Deconstruction

It seems I have been on a path of deconstruction for a long time. It started with clothing, like taking things from the Goodwill, cutting them up (deconstruction), and making them into something else. Over time, it has applied to a lot of other things, although the other things might be defined better as downsizing. But it's all of a piece...the effort to start over, clean up, organize, and rethink.

The deconstruction of clothing has been a lot of fun, and a wonderful learning experience which is still ongoing. I have lots of ideas for things and techniques I want to try. The Goodwill has become my favorite shopping place, despite the rather creepy atmosphere, and the transients that haunt the place—to keep warm in the winter, and to cool off during the summer. There is also a part of me that feels a bit guilty for shopping there, when I see people who obviously can't afford to shop anyplace else, when for me it is just to troll for future projects. But I still go, and I still find things I can take apart and put back together as something new.

The deconstruction of my life is a bit different, and in some cases hard on the emotions. For almost a year I have been in the process of getting rid of stuff that I don't really need, or use. This involves giving family heirlooms to other members of my family to pass on, since Robert and I have no children. Mostly it means going through drawers, closets, and the (gasp) garage, and cleaning out stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in years. It's a little appalling how much clutter and "stuff" can accumulate over the years without us being aware of it, until a drawer is so crammed with junk you can't open it, or there is a wall of boxes in the garage that prevents you from getting to the washing machine. The revelation in all this, is that once you start getting rid of all that extraineous stuff, you start to feel lighter, freer, unburdened. I still have a long way to go in this process, but I keep working at it, one drawer, box, or cupboard at a time. I have taken carloads of stuff to the Goodwill, which I sorta think of as paying it forward. They will be getting lots more, and it doesn't hurt that it's a nice little tax write-off.

This emotional deconstruction can also apply to people. There comes a time when you realize some people don't make your life easy, and in fact, can make you a crazy person. To decide to eliminate these people from my life is a hard thing to do, especially if it is someone I have known for a long time. The question I asked myself, "Is being around this person hard work, or do they make being friends easy?" This is not to imply that I abandon friendships just because things get a little rough sometimes. All relationships go through those kinds of stages. What I mean is the type of person who just constantly becomes more of an irritant, someone I have to walk on eggshells around in order not to tick them off, and whose negative attitude toward other people starts to rub off on me without my being aware of it, until suddenly I think, "Wait a minute, that's not how I think about so-and-so, who has never done anything to me." It is then that I decide, enough is enough. It's sad, since these same people can be generous and giving, but not enough to make up for the other half of their personality. Fortunately, I have not had to make that decision often, and it is always painful when I do, but the relief afterwards, knowing that I will no longer have to be constantly on my guard around this type of person,  is the reward.

My current act of deconstruction is with my jewelry. I have pieces that have been around for years and never sold. Some are ones I made when I first started learning how to work with beads and wire, others are pieces that for whatever reason just didn't sell. So the other day I decided to go through all the things I had and take apart the ones that had been hanging around way too long. Some were pieces that I really liked, and I was a little sad that no one else liked them as much as I did, but ah well. After about two hours, I ended up with a great pile of components all ready to be made into something new, which is exciting. I also went through my stash of beads and findings and got pretty mercenary about tossing things I'd had for eons and never used. I am also upgrading my stock, so pitched anything that looked a bit too shoddy or worn. All of those bits and pieces went into a big plastic bag, which will also be donated to the Goodwill. I still have a few storage boxes to go through, but the bag is filling up nicely, and my work area is getting a lot more organized. I like that!

During this whole deconstruction process, I have had this picture in my head of a woman walking down a long road, carrying a huge, bulging knapsack on her back. As she walks along, things keep falling out of the knapsack. Behind her, for miles and miles, is a trail of "stuff" that she doesn't know is gone. But without realizing it, she is walking straighter, standing taller, and moving easier. Soon, there won't be anything left in that heavy knapsack, and then she'll be free.